Absolutely Fabulous Phone!
by XNeptuneBloomX
Summary: Edina gets seriously frustrated trying to get her own way over a business deal over the phone...


**Absoultely Fabulous -- Phone**

**DISCLAIMER**:AnyAbsolutely Fabulous characters belong to the Writers and Creators of theshow.

Theme Song: "This wheel's on fire! Rolling down the road, best notify my next of kin, this wheel shall explode!"

"I don't care if she's unavailable!" Yelled Edina, pacing back and forth "…What do you mean she's tired!" … She pauses, "Retired! Retired! And what's that supposed to bloody mean! Hmm?"

"…Means she's dried up sweetie" States Patsy as she steps delicately down the stairs in her five inch stilettos, "… a huge mass of dried up jerky, an overused and over menopausal clod of inhuman flesh", Edina mumbles a few of Patsy's carefully chosen words into the transmitter: "Huge sweetie, mass… JERKY! Did you get that sweetie? Did you get that!"

Saffy looks up from reading, long enough to sigh at her Mother and give Patsy a distasteful stare. The phone call continues in the background. Rather awkwardly, Patsy pulls the chair next to Saffy away is if she were afraid of catching a flesh eating disease. Sitting facing the opposite direction of Saffy, Patsy lights herself a cigarette from her bag, and stares at the kitchen counter, waiting for Edina to get off of the phone.

"Will you go outside to do that please?" Moans Saffy to Patsy, but Patsy ignores her. "I said will you take that outside, PLEASE!" Patsy looks at the ceiling wondering where the voice had come from, until she glances at Saffy who is now waving her arms to get Patsy's attention, she jumps in fear… "Oh God! What do you want? I thought that growth I had removed from my shoulder had come back to get revenge…"

"I SAID: Will you please take that cigarette OUTSIDE! PLEASE!"

"What on Earth for?" Snarled Patsy, "…You disgust me, polluting the environment…" Saffy turns back to her books but continues to talk: "…turning the air foul by what it produces and killing anything that comes into contact with it"…

"There's nothing disgusting about what I smoke"

"I wasn't talking about what you smoke! I was talking about you in general!"

"… Well tell her I'll pay her lots of money! Did you hear that? Money darling! Money! That green stuff we use as toilet paper," Edina suggests as she continues her phone call; "… Well what about her sister?" Edina gives a look of frustration at what she hears on the other end of the phone line: "I DON'T BLOODY CARE IF SHE'S ON LIFE SUPPORT! Strap a plank to her back to keep her upright and send her down here!"

"Oh Eddie, forget about her, why do you need to work anyway, don't you have everything you'll ever need right here already?" Moans Patsy to Edina.

"No sweetie, it's not about the money, it's about the principle…" Edina looks shocked as she puts the receiver back to her ear, she continues: "… Hello? HELLO? They've bloody hung up on me! Don't they know who I am!" Edina shouts into the receiver: "DON'T YOU KNOW WHO I AM?"

"They can't hear you Mum" sighs Saffy, "and will you please change, your outfit is giving me a headache" Edina looks mortified as she drops the phone and staggers over to Saffy's chair mumbling: "My… Outfit… Headache? Do you even know what this is darling?"

"… Yes, I know exactly what it is! A cheap jogging suite, in which someacclaimed _designer_ has dipped in glue and covered in sequins!" Saffy shouts continuing to mortify Edina and Patsy, "you could get the exact same thing down the market for 90 percent less money! Just because it was made by _Christian Dior_ doesn't make it a sudden hit in the fashion industry!"

After a long pause, both Edina and Patsy shout together: "GUCCI!" Edina continuing alone: "It's bloody Gucci darling! And what would you know about fashion anyway? Your entire wardrobe makes the stone age look fashionable!" Patsy looks at Edina fascinated:

"Oh darling, you might be onto something there! Stone wear!" Patsy interjects, "_Grab a piece of Stone Age in your everyday life_, it's fabulous darling!"

"Oh yes" mumbles Edina as she walks around the Kitchen counters, whispering into a Dictaphone which she had just picked up from the table. After a few moments of silence, Patsy finally speaks to the reading Saffy:

"What are you anyway?"

"What?" Remarks an annoyed Saffy.

"Man or beast"

"Mum!" Shouts Saffy.

"I'm busy on the Dictaphone darling! Can't you see that I'm busy? I'M BUSY BEE DARLING!"

"Hey Eddie, Eddie" giggles Patsy.

"What what?" replies Edina.

"Do you use your Dictaphone?"

"…What? Yes… Yes I am now, see" Eddie says as she holds out the object in her hand.

"…No no sweetie, you use your finger!" Patsy says as she leans over giggling, "do you get it, do you get it sweetie? Your dic-to-phone, I'm hilarious aren't I sweetie" A confused Edina replies:

"Yeah yeah, did you get it Saffy? Did you get it sweetie?" sniggers Edina.

"Yes, very funny, almost as funny as when the Titanic sank…" Replies Saffy as Patsy looks ather in disgust as she states:

"You little bitch! I had family on that boat!"

END

End Theme Song: "This wheel's on fire! Rolling down the road, best notify my next of kin, this wheel shall explode!"


End file.
